Oh, hi Tom.
Sorry, but as you'll surely understand, Scott and I really haven't had time to put together an extravagant Groundsheep Day story for you this year. I mean, who could've expected all the stuff that's happened over the past three months?
It all started with the craziness on Election Day, and then came the protests, and the recounts, and then all those "unfaithful electors" in the Electoral College, and more protests, and then the Supreme Court got involved.... Sheesh! The whole mess got thrown into the House of Representatives. They looked for a compromise candidate, and a bunch of names got tossed around, and then a few congresspeople got really confused when it came time to fill out their ballot. The upshot is that the 45th President of the United States of America, and the de facto Leader of the Free World, is...um, is..........
Yes, really.
It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks. When Shearson's shocking election was announced, swarms of media types began showing up at our door. Millions of people wanted to learn more about the ultimate...and I mean ultimate...outsider turned president-elect. Shearson decided to grant his first major interview to Barbara Walters, which was a good move on his part. It allowed the country to see his more friendly, cuddlier, er, plusher side.
Things got rough after that, though, when the more partisan talking heads got their chance. Shearson was up to the challenge, sort of. On successive nights, he ate Sean Hannity, Samantha Bee, and Keith Olbermann live on national TV. Maybe its no coincidence that that's when his popularity shot through the roof.
Unfortunately, snacking on a few members of the Fifth Estate is not the way to get your presidential honeymoon off to a good start. Seems like Shearson and the press were quarreling on a daily basis. Take the silly controversy over the inauguration, for example. The media insists that there were more people at Obama's first Inaugural, while Shearson insists that his crowd was bigger. Funny thing is, they might both be right.....
Shearson's inaugural address was the shortest on record. ("Baa!") From there, he went to the Oval Office and got straight to work.
His first official act was controversial: a full moratorium on coyote immigration. After that, he issued some executive orders, making Groundsheep Day a federal holiday and removing lambchops from the White House menu. The National Meat Action Committee immediately organized a massive march on Washington, but Shearson was unfazed. He'd already left on his first international junket, meeting leaders from around the globe.
Then came the first major scandal of the Mutton Administration. Rush Limbaugh claimed that Shearson did not meet the Constitution's requirements for the office of the presidency. Namely, the radio host asserted that Shearson was not a "natural-born US citizen." A new Birther movement ("Baaaather movement?") sprang up immediately on Twitter, using the hashtag "#POTUSMadeInChina", and the media demanded that Shearson produce a valid birth certificate.
Meh, not a problem. Turns out that Shearson carries it with him wherever he goes:
Hmm...Shearson's from the North Star State. Who knew? We'll have to take him to a hockey game.
Anyway, Tom, our lab's former mascot and amateur meteorologist is now the most famous stuffed sheep on the planet. I do have one sad piece of news to report, though. Shearson saw his shadow this morning while chasing VP Joe Biden through the Rose Garden. We told that guy not to arrange any security briefings before the Groundsheep has had his breakfast, dammit. Anyway, that means six more weeks of winter. Congress will probably impeach him before then. Take care, stay warm, and sleep soundly tonight knowing that our country is in safe hands. Er, hooves.
Hail to the Fleece!
Nick, Scott, and Shearson
